Please log in with your username or email to continue. No account yet? Create an account. Edit this Article. We use cookies to make wikiHow great. By using our site, you agree to our cookie policy. Cookie Settings. Learn why people trust wikiHow. Download Article Explore this Article parts. Related Articles. Article Summary. Part 1. Figure out if you have a hard or soft problem.
Hard problems include the three A's: abuse, addiction, and adultery. Soft problems include things like growing apart or no longer feeling the sensation of being "in love. You need to pinpoint your underlying problems and address them before you can conclude that leaving your wife is the best way to remedy them. Am I receiving those things from my partner?
If not, it may be time to rethink your marriage. Be honest and realistic. Leaving your wife will be a brutal process, even if you manage to separate on fairly amiable terms. If you catch yourself dreaming of an idealistic future and want to leave your wife simply to pursue it, stop right there and reconsider.
For example, if you're thinking of leaving your wife for an old high school sweetheart or a new, exciting lover, there's a high probability that you are treating your new relationship with too much idealism and not looking at the benefits of your current marriage or considering the repercussions that may result from leaving under these conditions. Get help, if help is an option. If you have a soft problem, try working things out with your wife.
Seek out a marriage counselor and see if there is anything you can do to make your marriage work again before you call it quits. Make a break for it. Once you are certain that leaving your wife is the best possible option, start the process and don't look back. One of the most important things you need is certainty, so if your decision is sound right now, stick with it and try not to doubt yourself in the future.
Part 2. Tell someone. This person should not be your wife or someone whose allegiance lies with your wife over you. Pick a reliable friend or relative, or hire a professional therapist. A confidant can lend you emotional support throughout the process and guide you objectively when your emotions are clouding your perspective. Letting someone know also adds a level of safety to the entire process. Figure out where you'll go. You will need a place to stay after you leave home.
If you cannot iron out any long-term plans, at least figure out where you can go on a temporary basis immediately after the separation occurs. The place you pick should be available to you for a few months, at least. If you plan on staying at a friend's or relative's house, find out in advance how long you can stay there.
If you plan on moving into your own place, begin shopping around for an apartment before you declare your intentions to your wife. If possible, sign the lease on your new place before you officially leave your wife. Clarify your expectations. List your shared assets. Make a list of everything you share with your wife—money, valuables, properties, and so on.
Plan out how you think these assets should be split between you after you leave. If your financial assets are all kept in one place, you have a legal right to half of those finances. Valuables that are owned by both you and your spouse must be divided equally. Those that are specifically yours, including family heirlooms, can be counted among your goods. For the items you own jointly, make a list of those that you would be fine losing and those that you intend to fight for.
You also need to find out which services are linked and which are separate. Services include things like phone and Internet plans. A service you will no longer use, like the Internet at your house, will become your wife's responsibility.
Joined mobile plans will need to be split apart once the divorce or separation begins. Find all your necessary and important paperwork. This includes your marriage certificate and all deeds and titles. Locate the paperwork and make copies. You should store these copies in a secure location outside of your home, especially if you suspect problems during the split.
Look for vital statistics, military records related to benefits, bank statements, insurance policies, social security statements, information regarding retirement accounts, vehicle titles, mortgage statements, loan documents, kids' school records and contact lists, credit card statements, checkbook statements, and stock certificates. Open your own bank account. If you only have a shared account or if your wife has access to your personal account, open your own private account without her knowledge.
Redirect your paychecks so that they are directly deposited into this new account. Keep an eye on any joint accounts during this time, as well. If your wife is manipulative or emotionally abusive, she may start withdrawing money from those accounts in an attempt to prevent you from leaving. You can usually withdraw up to half of the money in your joint accounts, but doing so suddenly could alert your wife to the fact that something is amiss.
Move your keepsakes to a secure location. If you trust your wife well enough, you may not need to move your personal keepsakes and heirlooms anywhere. If you are anticipating a problem, though, it's a good idea to stealthily remove anything that could be damaged or somehow used against you. Make sure that any item you remove from the house can legally be defined as belonging to you, as a separate person, rather than to you and your wife.
Usually, gifts and inherited valuables belong to an individual instead of a married couple. Hide any weapons or possible weapons. Again, if you expect an amiable enough split, you probably don't need to worry about firearms in the home.
If you have any reason to fear for your physical safety or for the safety of your wife, though, you should remove those weapons from the home and place them in a secure spot without your wife's knowledge. You may not worry about your wife pulling a gun on you, but also keep in mind what she might do to herself after you leave. If there is any chance that your wife might harm herself, you should still remove all of the firearms from the house.
Make spare keys. This is advisable regardless of whether or not your wife is usually an even-tempered woman. Make a spare key for your car, your home, and anything else important. Give these spare keys to a trusted friend or relative. Know whether or not to alert law enforcement. This usually won't be necessary, but if your wife has threatened to file a false report of domestic abuse in the past, she just might follow through with that threat once she finds out that you intend to leave her.
Let your local law enforcement officials know about any threats made in the past. Tell the police about her previous threats and about your upcoming talk, and ask them about ways to protect yourself against false reports.
The police may still need to check on a situation when a claim of domestic abuse has been made, but if they have advance warning, they might take that into account when deciding what action to take in regards to that claim.
Part 3. Write a script. Mary replies: I think that the very first thing you should do is to discuss things with your wife. She at least deserves that. I find it difficult to believe that she knows absolutely nothing about your affair. Women have a very keen sense of intuition, and whereas she may not have proof, I feel sure that she must have some inkling as to what is going on.
Perhaps she is choosing not to confront things. I am not advocating telling her about the affair right away, but she deserves to know that you are deeply unhappy within the marriage and are contemplating ending it. You suggested therapy some years ago, but she refused, which is a pity because it may be too late now to try to repair the marriage. I would love to know why there was so little sex in your marriage and therapy would have at least helped you both to understand why this happened.
As in all areas of your life, you are faced with choices. You can separate, you can try to salvage your marriage or you can keep things exactly as they are. The last option is the one that most people choose, even though it is not ideal. They keep things as they are because the prospect of change is too scary, or simply because things are not bad enough to leave. It is said that while men leave a marriage because they have found someone else, women are more likely to leave an unhappy marriage without having somebody else in their lives.
Unless a sexual relationship is purely transactional, as yours was at the beginning, as time goes on, one or other of the couple is very likely going to develop emotional feelings. In your case, you have both fallen in love with each other, which is why you are contemplating leaving your respective marriages.
Ultimately, only you can decide what to do and all I can do is suggest possible scenarios unfolding if you do leave. Having broken the news to your wife, what do you intend telling your children? They will always be in your life and are you prepared for their possible scorn when you tell them? Even though they will by now be getting on with their own lives, it is their mother whom you will be hurting. Would that child be living with you when you move in together, and how would that be for you?
While it's quite common to want to talk about your husband or wife to your friends while they aren't present, having a strong inclination to speak to them about your problems instead of your spouse is a sign of some serious issues in the relationship.
This is somewhat like the emotional affairs discussed in the previous section. It can imply distrust and a lack of confidence in your partner's ability to help you during difficult times.
Essentially, you are replacing them emotionally rather than sorting out the fundamental problems in the relationship that are causing you to consult with your friends. Although nearly all the items in this list so far are indicators of it, having a blatant lack of love and commitment to one another is a clear sign that you may want to consider getting a divorce.
Whether it is one-sided or you both feel the same way, it is unproductive and unfair for both of you to stay together any longer.
This can be a hard pill to swallow, but ultimately, ending the marriage may be the best option for both individuals involved. It can stop wasting time and energy, allowing you to explore other people who can make you truly happy. If you are considering leaving your marriage but haven't tried to work through its issues yet, you should try to attend marriage counseling with your spouse before making your big decision.
Most of the signs in this article can be overcome with the help of a therapist who is experienced in helping people with marriage problems.
At ReGain, licensed professionals are available online to do just that and can potentially save your marriage. However, if you have tried everything already, and the marriage seems irreparable, or your spouse refuses to work on the relationship with you, it may be time to let go.
This is when to leave your marriage. ReGain's therapists can also help you cope with separation as well. Regardless of the decision that you make, you won't need to go through it alone. This will more than likely be a difficult time, but you will come out on the other end a happier person. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship.
I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor. Our counselor Donna Kemp has been amazing!
She is encouraging without being pushy. Highly recommend! The decision to leave is yours. However, there are some signs that you can watch for to know that it could be time to leave your marriage, divorce, or at least separate while you work on repairing your relationship.
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